Music is powerful

I cried three times today. The first time was over Conor Oberst's incredible lyrics in "At the Bottom of Everything." I listened to it on repeat the entire drive to work. I love existential songs about seizing the moment. That song is Tyler Durden's kiss.

"We must rip out all the epilogues From the books that we have read And to the face of every criminal Strapped firmly to a chair We must stare, we must stare, we must stare"

The third time I cried was also a seemingly happy cry over a powerful rendition of David Bowie's "Under Pressure" during The Magicians season 3. It's a pretty silly show, but it really moved me.

The second time I cried probably explains the others. My cat has carcinoma cancer and will die soon.

On Parenting

Imagine you found a job that you really enjoy most of the time. Great coworkers, pay. Now imagine that job is 80 hours a week.

It's exhausting and crowds out everything else in your life. I'm surprised that so many people take the job. Also, analogy aside, the pay is awful. It's a financial struggle.

Oxygen mask parenting

Sometimes we try so hard to be perfect that we put others before ourselves. Maybe we'll skip a meal or avoid using the restroom to calm a whiny toddler. Often these decisions wind up making us very irritable and we lash out in anger making the situation worse, not better.

It reminds me of the warnings on airplanes. Put your oxygen mask on first, else you'll run out of air trying to put it on a wriggling child and neither of you will get one.

Insanity

Insanity is a catching blog name. I wish I wasn't just referring to having tried the exercise program one day. For a 40 minute program with like 25 minutes of real exercise it kicked my ass. Exercise is kind of addicting. Hopefully I'll do more of it soon. In the mean time I guess I'll advertise about this blog. Maybe that was the point all along. Dunno, but I've never really mentioned it to friends before.

I looked over this blog and I wish my writing kept up with the first post that inspired this thing. I was in an Adams mood at the time and I was single. Life has been busier since so I've not spent as much time editing more recent posts. I definitely recommend starting down bottom and reading up if somehow you care enough to read this whole blog. I'm pretty sure most of you are here for the pictures I post. They're pretty great.

So, fall 2012. What's going on in my life? Engaged, she has another year of school so we'll wait until that's done to try to plan a wedding. We're moving into a big duplex instead of this one bedroom place. That's cool. I'm going to try to get another TV and a game system for one of those extra rooms if I can find the money. Man, this stuff isn't witty enough. I thought this awesome Sam Adams oak aged beer would help, but I'll use funny pictures instead:

It's NFL season so don't expect too many posts this fall. I plan on winning all my fantasy football leagues and enjoying all the winter ales coming out. I am a big fan of strong ales and barley wines, so as soon as this Oktoberfest crap is done it's my season of beer.

Hubris

I've started drinking tonight. I wonder if those are the only times I'll be so enthusiastic to talk that I'll blog. I'm watching Troy again and it is incredible. Way better than I remember it. I enjoy movies that mock religion, but it's more than that. The fight scene with Achilles and Hector is amazeballs. Brad Pitt plays the part of a fighter ready for every reaction of the opponent perfectly. He's just playing chess knowing he'll win in 15 moves.

There are so many great personalities thrown at the viewer so fast in the movie. Hector is the best character in the movie, but he dies. It's war so you see people at their extremes making pivotal choices. It's the same reason I love any apocalyptic theme like zombie or disaster movies. You see people's real personalities. What they boil down to.

I came to blog for a reason. I had some insight I felt worth sharing, but I've forgotten it. I think it was about pride. I almost start to say "I'm so lucky not to be prideful" but it's not luck. I saw the arrogance or the characters like King Agamemnon and felt lucky to not be so involved in myself that I can't admit defeat or mistakes. But I'm not the least bit prideful about such things. Pride is a sign of weakness. The prideful people are the ones who aren't sure of their value. They have to get defensive and boast because they don't like themselves and they're talking themselves into it.

I spent years hating myself around middle school. I think I never really changed that "you suck" mindset. I just learned to enjoy life despite the idea that I might not be great at anything. We're all putting ourselves in these categories to compare ourselves to others and any category isn't the ultimate. No matter what you do there's 6 or 7 billion people on earth and you're not the worst or best at anything. It's not even important. The winners are the happy people. If you get third and you're happier than the first place finisher, you won. Ever since I learned that I've had a great life. I just had to spend years hating myself to get there. The hatred killed the pride. It was worth it.

I'm engaged!

It actually went really well. The Beatles LOVE Cirque du Soleil was mind-blowing and the dinner at SW in the Wynn was possibly the best food I've ever eaten.


That was my part right? What's next? She and parents do that whole wedding thing I guess.

What really matters

Efficiency is a big deal to me. I tend to eat everything in front of me no matter how big the meal and probably reuse the plate for the next day or two. I often use only half a napkin and save the rest for later. I turn off lights when I leave rooms or even work. I run or walk very fast most of the time. You get the idea. I also try to fill every second of free time I've got.


I enjoy video games, tv shows, movies, music, and all the usual entertainments. As a child I always carried a book around so that I could read if I ever had a few seconds or minutes where I had to wait for something. Recently my smart phone has filled many of those seconds, though I find Angry Birds and Words with Friends less rewarding than books.

Despite all those entertainments they really are just time fillers. If I can have my druthers (I like that word, it's short for "would rathers") I'd be spending my time with friends. I'm not even picky about what we do. I'd rather knit scarves with friends than read my favorite book alone. Some of that is just opportunity cost. I mean, I can read anytime, but friends aren't always around. Still, I think it's more than that. I just don't find fulfillment in life when I'm alone.


I'm an existentialist. You might have guessed that if you understand the url name for this blog. I think life has no inherent meaning. Basically we are thrust into this mortal coil and guided only by instincts and emotions. I find meaning in minimizing my sadness and maximizing my happiness. Masturbatory activities just don't stimulate my emotions the way other people do. See what I did there?

Even my favorite books don't hold a candle to the interactions, insights, surprises, and reciprocated emotions of others. It saddens me that most people don't feel this way. This would be an incredibly social world if everyone wanted to go out 7 nights a week and enjoy the company of others all the time.


The main thing that scares me about growing old is losing friends. People stop being as social and turn inward. They lose much of their youthful vibrancy and energy. You fall in love, get married, have kids, and die socially. It doesn't have to be that way, but it usually is. I guess that's why I'm so sure that I want a family. Family comes to be the social world that replaces friendships and happy hours.

It's Friday night and nobody I know was interested in a happy hour today. Nor do I have Friday night plans. I just thought I'd ruminate on that publicly. Because blogging, unlike those personal entertainments, offers a chance at that human intermingling I so value.